英語幽默故事
㈠ 英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could combine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． 「With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．」
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，「But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？」
向肖伯納求婚
英國有位美貌風流的女演員，曾寫信向肖伯納求婚。她說，因為他是個天才，她不嫌肖伯納年邁醜陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才結合，那該是多麼協調啊。「咱們的後代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。」
肖伯納給她回了一封信說，她的想像很是美妙，「可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又該怎麼辦呢？」
㈡ 英語幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking.
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world?
老師：彼得！你說說，世界上什麼最大？
Peter:
Well,
well....eyelids....
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老師：什麼？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir.
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world.
彼得：是的，老師。因為我眼睛一閉，眼皮就把世界上所有的東西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(瘋人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know?"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
瘋人院
一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說："我是拿破崙！"另一個說："你怎麼知道？"第一個人說："上帝對我說的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒說！"
㈢ 英語幽默小故事50字左右（帶翻譯）
Q: Why won』t the elephant use the computer?
為什麼大象不玩電腦？
A: He』s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
滑鼠和老鼠的英文皆為mouse。
mouse [maʊs]n. 滑鼠；老鼠；膽小羞怯的人
2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days." The doctor said.
一位很焦急的病人走到醫生辦公室尋求幫助。
「醫生，我不知道該怎麼辦。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。」
「哦，不用擔心。你一定要牢記未來幾天不要吸煙就行了。」醫生說。
3.A man was hit by a cab in the street.
He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院.
他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."
醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."
聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."
妻子說:"安靜,醫生比你懂得多."
4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God says: "A penny".
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"
And God says "In a second".
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.
他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"
上帝回答:"一便士."
男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"
上帝說:"一秒鍾."
最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"
上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
㈣ 關於三分鍾英語幽默小故事有哪些
Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John『s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy『s family name, so when he saw John『s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個月
第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。
可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。
「你多大了?」軍醫問。
「十八，長官。」約翰說。
「可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?」
約翰臉紅了，說：「哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。」
㈤ 英語幽默故事
Delicious！
A Hollywood procer was determined to give his mothera birthday gift that would be better than any his brothers weregiving her． He heard about an amazing bird which could talk intwelve languages and sing ten famous operas． He immediately bought the bird and sent it to his mother． It cost him＄50，000．
The day after her birthday，he phoned his mother．「What did you think of the bird， Mother？」 he asked eagerly．His mother replied，「Delcious！」
說的是一個人花了很多錢買了一隻鳥，送給他媽媽，過了一時間兒子問他鳥怎麼樣，他媽媽說「很美味！」
呵呵~~
字數不夠自己加點啦
㈥ 英語幽默小故事
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」
㈦ 英語幽默小故事
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
釘子還是蒼蠅？
一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在牆上有隻蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這里，老人回到了房裡。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往牆上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。
㈧ 英語幽默小故事
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
㈨ 英語幽默故事（中文翻譯）
Whose Son Is the Greatest
The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'."
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'."
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'.
" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!"
誰的兒子最偉大
四位牧師的母親聚到一起談論她們的兒子。「我的兒子是個教士，」第一位母親自豪地說道，「他進入房間，人們都說，『您好，閣下』。」
第二為母親說：「我的兒子是位主教。他進入房間，人們都稱，『您好，大人』。」
「我的兒子是位紅衣主教，」第三位母親接著說，「他走進房間，人們都說，『您好，尊敬的主教大人』。」
第四位母親略思片刻。「我的兒子身高六英尺十，體重三百磅，」她說，「他要是走入房間，人們都說『哦，我的上帝』！」
Quick Service
A man took a pair of shoes to a shoe repair shop and said to the shoemaker, "I'd like you to repair these shoes for me, please."
"Certainly, sir," the shoemaker said.
"When will they be ready?" the man asked.
"I'm a bit busy, but they'll be ready for you on Thursday." he said.
That's fine," the man said, and left the shop.
The next morning he received a letter, offering him a job in another country. Within 24 hours he was on an airplane to his new job.
Twenty years passed and he returned to his hometown.
He remembered his shoes.
"They were a good pair of shoes," he thought. "I wonder if the shoemaker is still there and still has them. I'll go and see.擾He was pleased to see that the shoemaker was still in the same shop ,although he was an old man by now.
"Good morning," he said to him. "Twenty years ago, I brought in a pair of shoes to be repaired. Do you think you've still got them?"
"Name?" the old shoemaker asked.
"Smith," the man said.
"I'll go and see. They may be out back.
The shoemaker went out to the back of his shop -and a few minutes later returned ,carrying the pair of shoes.
"Here we are," he said. "One pair of brown shoes to be repaired. I'm a bit busy now, but they'll probably be ready on Thursday."
快速服務
一個人把一雙鞋子拿到一家鞋店，並對修鞋匠說，「請幫我修這雙鞋子。」
「當然可以，先生，」鞋匠說。
「什麼時候能修好？」那個人問。
「我有點忙，但到星期四我會修好鞋子的。」他說。
「很好，」那人說，並離開了那家店。
第二天早上，他收到一封信，提供他一份在國外的工作。24小時內，他登上飛機去接受那份新工作。
二十年過去了，他回到了故鄉。
他記起了那雙鞋。
「那是一雙好鞋，」他想，「我想知道鞋匠是否還在那兒，是否還有那雙鞋。我要去看看。」
他很高興看到鞋匠還在那家店裡，雖然他已很老了。
「早上好，」他對鞋匠說，「二十年前，我拿了一雙鞋子來修。你記得還有那雙鞋嗎？」
「名字？」老鞋匠問。
「史密斯，」那人回答。
「我去瞧瞧，或許在後面呢。」
鞋匠回到店的後面去，幾分鍾後又回來了，手裡提著那雙鞋子，「在這呢，」他說，「一雙棕色的鞋子要修。我有點忙，但可以到星期四把鞋子修好。」