英語幽默笑話

Ⅰ 英語幽默笑話大全

可饒是如此，也把他嚇得不輕。抬頭看了一眼，見目的地還在百餘米開外。這距離不能說遠，可對如今曲君而言卻似天塹！曲君心知自己已經無以為繼，憤恨的瞪了溫德一眼，不等下次攻擊到來，他在身上傷口處摸了一下，跟著就用沾滿鮮血的右手召喚出了新的使魔！

1.A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
2.Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.
Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning."
"That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"
3.Charge for Bread and Butter
Some years ago, my dad, an attorney, took me to a fancy restaurant in Now York City. When the bill arrived, there was a $1.50 charge for bread and butter. Dad paid the bill, including the charge for bread and butter. However, the next day, he sent a letter to the resturant stating that the charge was uncalled for. Enclosed in the same envelope was a bill for $500 in legal services.
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.

可饒是如此，也把他嚇得不輕。抬頭看了一眼，見目的地還在百餘米開外。這距離不能說遠，可對如今曲君而言卻似天塹！曲君心知自己已經無以為繼，憤恨的瞪了溫德一眼，不等下次攻擊到來，他在身上傷口處摸了一下，跟著就用沾滿鮮血的右手召喚出了新的使魔！

Ⅱ 短英語幽默笑話

man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?" 兩個獵人進森林裡打獵，其中一個獵人不慎跌倒，兩眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一個獵人趕緊拿出手機撥通緊急求助電話。接線員沉著地說：「第一步，要先確定你的朋友已經死亡。」於是，接線員在電話里聽到一聲槍響，然後聽到那獵人接著問：「第二步怎辦？」

Talking clock

會說話的鍾
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意。「那個大銅鑼和錘子是干什麼用的？」他的一個朋友問他。「那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鍾」，學生回答。「這鍾怎麼工作的」，他的朋友問。「看著，別眨眼了」，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拚命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁牆那邊有人狂叫，「別敲了，你這白痴！現在是凌晨兩點鍾了！」

Secret For a Long Life

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise."

"Wow, that's amazing," says the woman. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

長壽秘訣

一位女士走向坐在門廊的椅子上搖動的小老頭。

「我無意中發現，你是多麼幸福，」那女士說。「你幸福而長壽的秘密是什麼？」

「我每天抽三包煙，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且從來不曾鍛煉。」

「哦，真神奇，」女士說。「你高壽？」

Ⅲ 英語幽默笑話大全 中英文對照

The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病醫師：你哪裡不舒服？

病人：我認為我是一隻雞。

精神病醫師：這種情況從什麼時候開始的？

病人：從我還是一隻蛋的時候開始。

Who Is the Laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文：

父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？
湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？
湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

譯文：

老農約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：「我死後，我想你嫁給農夫瓊斯。」

妻子說：「不，在你死後，我不能嫁給任何人。」

約翰遜：「但我希望你這么做。」

妻子：「為什麼？」

約翰遜：「因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。」

Ⅳ 給我一些英語幽默笑話!越多越好!最好是帶翻譯的!

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

當老師走進教室時，兩個男孩在爭論。
老師是說：你們在爭論什麼？

一個男孩回答：『我們撿到一張10塊，我們決定把它給一個說最大的謊的人。』

『你們應該覺得羞恥』老師說，『當我像你們那麼大的時候，我連什麼是說謊都不知道。』

兩個男孩把錢給了那個老師。

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網

"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

選我吧

Ⅳ 簡單爆笑的英文小笑話（要翻譯的）

I Wasn't Asleep

When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conctor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car."

我沒有睡著

當一群婦女上車之後，車上的座位全都被占滿了。售票員注意到一名男子好象是睡著了，他擔心這個人會坐過站，就用肘輕輕地碰了碰他，說：「先生，醒醒！」

「我沒有睡著。」那個男人回答。

「沒睡著？可是你眼睛都閉上了呀？」

「我知道，我只是不願意看到在擁擠的車上有女士站在我身邊而已。」
The poor husband

"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.

可憐的丈夫

「你根本無法想像和我妻子打交道是多麼的難，」一個男人對他的朋友訴苦說，「她問我一個問題，然後自己回答了，過後又花半個小時跟我解釋為什麼我的答案是錯的。」Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

父親在哪兒？

兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。

「看，」哥哥說，「這些畫多漂亮呀！」

「是啊，」弟弟說道，「可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？」

哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：「很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。」

Does the dog know the proverb, too?

The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

狗也知道這個諺語嗎？

一個小男孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。

「沒有關系，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」

「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」

一 Can we have our teacher back？

Once a superintendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. One room was very noisy, so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking. He took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. Five minutes later, a smalll boy came out of the first room and said, "When can we have our teacher back?"

能讓我們的老師回去嗎？

有一次，一位督學去視察一個只有三間教室的學校。一間教室非常吵鬧，因此督學抓住其中一個正在站著說話的人，把他帶進另一間教室，並讓他站在牆角。五分鍾以後，一個小男孩從第一間教室走進來，問道，「您什麼時候能讓我們的老師回去呢？」
二 Who's More Polite?

A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, two ladies could sit down.

誰更有禮貌？

一個胖子和一個瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為他更有風度，因為無論什麼時候他在車上給別人讓座時，總有兩位女士能坐下。
三 Expensive Price

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

昂貴的代價

牙科醫生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

母親：二十五美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要五美元呀？

牙科醫生：是的。但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了

A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院.他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."妻子說:"安靜,醫生比你懂得多."

The busis very crowded.Aman tries to get on,but no one gives way to him.
"Hey,let me get on the bus."the man shouts.
"It's too crowded.You'd better take the next bus."a passenger says to him.
"But you can't go withou me.I'm the driver."the man says.
公共汽車上很擁擠.一位男士想上車,但是沒有人給他讓路.
"喂,讓我上車!"那位男士喊道.
"車太擠了,你最好坐下一輛"車上的一位乘客對他說.
"但是沒有我你們走不了.我是司機!"那位男士說道.

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

One day an old lady went to see her doctor, the doctor ask "how old are you?" The old lady think for a while and she said" when i was marry i was 18 and my husband is thirty Five. Now my husband is seventy years old it is twice of thirty five, so i am 36 years old."...
一天一位老太太去看醫生，醫生問：「女士，您多大歲數了？」然後老太太想了一會說：「我結婚那年我18歲，我老公35歲,現在他70歲了，是35的兩倍，所以我應該是36歲」。。。。。。。。。。

TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
湯姆的借口
老師：湯姆，您為什麼每天上學遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
醫生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了一整夜。

Ⅵ 英語小笑話帶翻譯100個

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。

英語笑話（二）

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。

-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？

-- 墓地守墓人。

英語笑話（三）

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它們是從美國直接帶來的

一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。

這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」

英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不識字

布朗夫人：哦，

親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

給我那個打贏的吧

-- 服務員，

這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。

-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。

-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。

英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

英語笑話（七）Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告「年輕者」

這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，

千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」

英語笑話（八）Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？

一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」

我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」

英語笑話（九）The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

醫生住在樓下

「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。

「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」

他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」

英語笑話（十）One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一個引擎

一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
回答者：lovemydream - 高級經理 七級 7-5 10:08

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評論者： YABNV - 魔法學徒 一級

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Logic Reasoning 邏輯推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin
g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

邏輯推理

小學四年級的教師正在給學生們上一堂邏輯課。她舉了這么一個例子：「有這樣一種情況，一個男人在河中心的船上釣魚，突然失去重心掉進了水裡。於是他開始掙扎並喊救命。他的妻子聽到了他的喊聲，知道他並不會游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。誰能告訴我這是為什麼？」 一個女生舉手答道，「是不是去取他的存款？」

[注]bank在英語中除了我們平時很熟悉的「銀行」之外，還有「河岸」的意思。

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife？你停止打你老婆了嗎?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent『s witnesses．
One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．
「I want『yes』or『no，』」thundered counsel．「There is no need for you to argue the point！」
「But there are some questions which cannot be answered by『yes』or『no，』」mildly responded the witness．
「There are not！」 snapped the lawyer．
「Oh，」 said the witness，「answer this then：「Have you ceased beating your wife？」

這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於盡量去恐嚇對方的證人。
有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。
「我要你回答『是』或者『不是』，」辯護律師怒喝道： 「你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。」
「可是有些問題無法用『是』或者『不是』來回答。」這位證人溫和地回敬他。
「不存在這樣的問題！」律師厲聲打斷他。
「噢，」證人說：「那麼請你回答這個問題：「你停止打你老婆了嗎？」

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

兩只鳥

老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？

學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老師：請說說看。

學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

魚網

"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。

"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。

昨天夜裡我爸媽表演「混合雙打」

Teacher of Physical Ecation: Have you ever seen mixed doubles，boys？
體育老師：孩子們，你們見過男女混合雙打嗎？

Nick: Yes，sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

尼克：見過，老師，經常見。就在昨天夜裡我還見過呢！

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

老師：那你給大家講講當時的情形吧。

Nick: Oh，sorry，sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published.」

尼克：啊，對不起，老師。我爸爸常說:「家醜不可外揚。」(

抄的..

Ⅶ 英文短笑話

1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.

老師：誰能回到我下一個問題，誰就可以回家了。

One boy throws his bag out the window.

一個小男孩把書包扔到窗外。

Teacher: who just threw that?!

老師：誰剛剛把書包扔出去了?

Boy: Me! I』m going home now.

男孩：我!我現在要回家了。

2、What dog can jump higher than a building?

什麼狗比大樓跳的還高?

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一隻狗，大樓又跳不起來。

3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?

什麼有頭、有尾，但是沒有身體?

A coin!

硬幣。

4、What has one eye but cannot see?

什麼有一隻眼睛，卻看不見?

A needle.

針。

5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你會怎麼形容我呢?

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什麼意思?

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可愛的、令人愉悅的、優雅的、時髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，謝謝，但是「IJK」是什麼意思呢?

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：開個玩笑!

6、Boy: Is this seat empty?

男孩：這個座位是空的么？

Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

7、My little dog can't read

我的狗不識字

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

8、My Wife Will Exchange Them

反正我太太明天會來換的

A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.

一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。

″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.

「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。

″Makes no difference ″replied customer.

「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。

″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.

「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。

″Any″ he responded.

「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。

″Size﹖″

「號碼呢？」

″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″

「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」