關於英語的笑話
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
『貳』 關於一個英語的笑話
這是美國很著名的」the light bulb joke" 在美國，screw in a light bulb 和性行為是有關系的。。。這個就是黃色笑話、、、 攤手
這個延伸出很多很詭異的笑話，比如：
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None–the light bulb will change when it's ready
『叄』 有沒有關於英語的笑話
室友：
聖誕節到了，我會把襪子掛在窗戶上，我希望你們能在我第二天醒來
給我一個驚喜！
我：
沒問題，我知道你最喜歡吃學校前門那個小麵包`
我一定買來放到你的襪子裡面！記得吃哈·
室友：..............
Room friend:
Christmas day arrived, I can hang the sock on the window, I hoped youcan second days wake in me
For me pleasantly surprised!
I:
Does not have the question, I knew you most like eating school frontdoor that young bread `
I as soon as order put to inside yours sock! Remembered eatsKazak
Room friend: ..............
聖誕心願
有個叫亞歷山大的小男孩寫信給聖誕老人：
「親愛的聖誕老人，去年我收到的是一個妹妹，而不是一輛賽車。也許，另一個想得到妹妹的男童卻收到了賽車。我們把那個妹妹留了焉為，但現在我仍然想要一輛賽車。」
鄰居的小男孩見亞歷山大這樣寫，也趕緊給寫了一封信：
「親愛的聖誕老人，去年您雖然幫我弄到了一輛賽車，但今年我還需要一輛大一歲的新賽車。至於那個新的小妹妹，您還是留到明年送給亞歷山大吧。」
Christmas wish
Has to be called Alexander the young boy to write a letter forSanta Claus:
"Dear Santa Claus, last year I received am a younger sister, but wasnot a vehicle race. Perhaps, another wanted to obtain the youngersister the boy actually to receive the vehicle race. We have kept thatyounger sister 焉 are, but now I still wanted a vehicle race."
The neighbor young boy sees Alexander to write like this, also hurriedto give has written a letter:
"Dear Santa Claus, last year you although helped me to make a vehiclerace, but this year I also need a big year-old new vehicle race. Asfor that new little younger sister, you or will remain to the nextyear give Alexander."
聖誕樹
查理每年都向他老爸吵著要聖誕樹，他老爸總是說太貴了，不想買。
今年聖誕節又到了，查理的老爸實在被他吵得頭疼，於是提起斧子出了門。過了一刻鍾，老爸扛著一棵大個的聖誕樹回來了。查理高興地大叫起來，「老爸，你真了不起，才花一刻鍾就砍了這么大的一棵樹回來！」
老爸拍拍他的後腦勺說，「傻小子，砍樹哪有那麼快，我是從集市上帶回來的。」
查理問：「你不是嫌貴不想買的嗎？」
老爸說：「沒看我帶了斧子嗎？」
Christmas tree
Charlie quarrels every year to his old father is wanting theChristmas tree, his old father always said, has too expensively notwanted to buy.
This year Christmas day arrived, Charlie's old father really quarrelsby him the headache, thereupon mentioned the axe to leave the gate.Crossed the quarter of an hour, the old father carried on the shouldera big Christmas tree to come back. Charlie happily loudly cries out,"the old father, you are really great, only then spend the quarter ofan hour to chop a such big tree to come back!"
剛送進來的
聖誕節快到了，一位參議員到州立精神病院慰問。
全院病人在禮堂聽參議員演說。口乾舌燥地講了半天，也聽不到台下的人鼓掌。
參議員很尷尬，只好打足精神講下去，想激發大家的掌聲以便下台。
突然，有個病人站了起來，對周圍的人大聲說道：「你們別聽這個小子胡說八道。他是個瘋子，上午剛被送進來。」
Just delivered
Christmas day is drawing near, a senator to state establishedmental hospital salute.
The entire courtyard patient speaks in public in assembly hall 聽參congressman. Had a parched mouth spoke the half of the day, also didnot listen to the under person applause.
The senator is very awkward, has to hit the full spirit to say, wantsto stimulate everybody the applause in order to leaves office.
Suddenly, had a patient to stand, loudly said to the periphery person:"You do not listen to this boy to talk nonsense. He was a lunatic,morning just is delivered."
要求加分啊
『肆』 關於英語小笑話
一人初上飛機想吐，空姐取一空袋，快滿時又去取袋，並囑咐「別亂吐」。
空姐待回來時見遍地都是，問其因，答道：「我見快滿了，又喝了一口，周圍人就都吐了……」
The beginning of a person vomiting on the plane, flight attendants take an empty bag, quick to pick up bags full of Shiyou, and asked "Do Luantu."
Flight attendants see everywhere are to be returned, regardless of their cause, replied: "I see the fast full, drank a sip, spit on the people around ... ..."
『伍』 我需要一些關於英語的笑話
1.這天，至聰木匠師徒正在忙著，有個財主急著要裝犁，說了半天好話，還說殺雞待他們，至聰木匠就讓徒弟去裝。誰知，財主捉雞時，故意放它逃走，又說稱肉吃，待賣肉的屠夫路過，財主又趕緊躲進裡屋。一會兒出來說，改吃雞蛋算了，正好賣豆腐的來了，財主想，豆腐比鴨蛋還合算，就買了兩塊豆腐給他吃。徒弟生了氣，裝犁時沒盡心。
過了幾天，財主對至聰木匠說：「你帶的好徒弟！裝的犁，不是深了，就是淺了。」至聰木匠說：「老爺！我徒弟裝的是放雞犁，犁上裝的是鴨蛋尖，所以犁進去躲屠夫，犁出來鴨蛋換豆腐。」
2.一天，至聰木匠為財主家幹活。吃飯時，財主想捉弄他，有意把筷子擺在碗的左邊。至聰木匠就用左手拿筷子吃，吃得很慢，大半天過去了，還坐在席上。財主急了。至聰木匠笑道：「老爺，對不起，我師傅從沒教過我用左手吃飯。」
3.從前，有個大財主叫胡心田，心術很壞，專門刻薄窮人。一天遇到文三說：「文三，都
說你會講古，今天講個看看。」
文三說：「好。從前有個姓十的和姓喻的結親家。姓十的嫌自己的筆劃太少，再說《百家姓》上也沒有此姓。就對姓喻的說：『你的嘴巴吊在旁邊，是多餘的，把那個口字讓給我姓古，在《百家姓》上也可歸宗。』姓喻的想，把我旁邊的口字送給他，我還是姓俞，就答應了。可是，這人還不知足，又說：『親家，我這古字筆劃還是太少，你把那個月字也給我，讓我姓胡吧！』姓『俞』的一聽，火了：『想把我的下面都摳空嗎？你這人真是心田不正！』」胡心田自討了一場沒趣。
4.有個財主吃得跟肥豬一樣胖，一天沒事兒就好養蟈蟈。王黑小捉了只蟈蟈，故意把發聲的器官掐了來和財主比。
那個財主正吃飯，看了看把嘴一撇說：「這只蟈蟈又不會叫，還養它干什麼？」
王黑小瞅著酒菜，微微笑道：「別看我這蟈蟈不會叫，可吃得好！」
5.文安縣新上任的縣官，盤剝百姓的手法，比前幾任還辣。王黑小想捉弄他一下。一天，王黑小買了兩個燒餅送給縣官的小少爺，說：「快拿回家去，大人要問，就說是黑大伯給買的。」
縣官聽孩子一說，大怒：哪來的黑大伯？分明是有人耍笑我。一查，知是王黑小乾的，
正要派人捉拿到衙，王黑小卻來了。他肩挑一根薄竹片，竹片兩頭各吊著個小沙果。上大堂後，連揖都不作。縣官喝令打他40大板。王黑小把兩個沙果向上一舉道：「且慢！小民有禮物呈送，你打我不得！」
縣官問：「怎麼打你不得？」
王黑小說：「官不打送禮的，狗不咬拉屎的。你今天如果破例打了我，那今後給府上送禮的，難道都該打不成？」縣官只好放了王黑小。
『陸』 關於英語的小笑話
給你講幾個，不是一個，講完睡覺（分……分……）：
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
『柒』 英文短笑話
1、Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
老師：誰能回到我下一個問題，誰就可以回家了。
One boy throws his bag out the window.
一個小男孩把書包扔到窗外。
Teacher: who just threw that?!
老師：誰剛剛把書包扔出去了?
Boy: Me! I』m going home now.
男孩：我!我現在要回家了。
2、What dog can jump higher than a building?
什麼狗比大樓跳的還高?
Anydog, buildings can't jump!
任何一隻狗，大樓又跳不起來。
3、What has a head, a tail, and no body?
什麼有頭、有尾，但是沒有身體?
A coin!
硬幣。
4、What has one eye but cannot see?
什麼有一隻眼睛，卻看不見?
A needle.
針。
5、Wife: "How would you describe me?"
妻子：你會怎麼形容我呢?
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.
Wife: "What does that mean?"
妻子：那是什麼意思?
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可愛的、令人愉悅的、優雅的、時髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
妻子：哇，謝謝，但是「IJK」是什麼意思呢?
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
丈夫：開個玩笑!
6、Boy: Is this seat empty?
男孩：這個座位是空的么？
Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。
7、My little dog can't read
我的狗不識字
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
布朗夫人：哦，親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
8、My Wife Will Exchange Them
反正我太太明天會來換的
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。
″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.
「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。
″Makes no difference ″replied customer.
「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。
″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.
「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。
″Any″ he responded.
「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。
″Size﹖″
「號碼呢？」
″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″
「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」
『捌』 英語小笑話
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。
英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麼反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.
『玖』 關於英語的笑話
一個中國人在國外出了車禍，一個交警過來問他：How are you?
他回答：I'm fine,thank you.And you?