經典英語笑話
① 經典英語笑話 帶翻譯
預算超標的小偷 Caught stealing
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."
一個小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一隻手錶的時候被當場擒獲。「聽著，」小偷說，「我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然後我們就當什麼也沒發生，你看怎樣？」
經理表示同意，然後列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：「這比我最初的預算稍稍高了一點。你們還有沒有便宜一點兒東西。"
② 經典的英文段子
Life is not easy for any of us. We must work,and above all we must believe in ourselves .We must believe that each one of us is able to do something well, and that, when we discover what this something is, we must work hard at it until we succeed
這是居里夫人的話，激勵了專不少人屬
③ 精典的英語笑話有哪些
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告訴
(2) nest n.窩；巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓勵
(5) resemble v. 相似；類似
18.鳥窩與頭發
我姐姐是一位小學老師。一次一個學生告訴她說一隻鳥兒在教室外 的樹上壘了個窩。
「是什麼鳥呢？」我姐姐問她。
「我沒看到鳥兒，老師，只看到鳥窩。」那孩子回答說。
「那麼，你能給我們描述一下這個鳥巢嗎？」我姐姐鼓勵她道。
「哦，老師，就像你的頭發一樣。」
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因為我剛咬了自己的舌頭。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的縮略形式。
我剛咬破自己的舌頭
「我們有毒嗎？」一個年幼的蛇問它的母親。
「是的，親愛的，」她回答說，「你問這個干什麼？」
「因為我剛剛咬破自己的舌頭。」
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向紐約豪華中心站去趕一趟火車。接近門口，一位肥胖的中年婦女從後面沖過來，沒想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了腳，仰面滑倒了。她的慣性使她接近了我的腳。我正准備扶她，她卻自己爬了起來。她鎮定了一下，對我擠了一下眉，說道：「總是有漂亮女人拜倒在你腳下嗎？」
英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
英語笑話（五）Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，
這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
英語笑話（六）The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」
「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」
「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。
④ 有沒有經典的英語笑話，帶翻譯的
Little
Robert
asked
his
mother
for
two
cents.
"What
did
you
do
with
the
money
I
gave
you
yesterday?"
"I
gave
it
to
a
poor
old
woman,"
he
answered.
"You're
a
good
boy,"
said
the
mother
proudly.
"Here
are
two
cents
more.
But
why
are
you
so
interested
in
the
old
woman?"
"She
is
the
one
who
sells
the
candy."
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。
「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老
太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
⑤ 求一個經典英文笑話
我感覺還可以的：
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
⑥ 請提供一個經典的英語幽默笑話
who's
more
polite?
a
fat
man
and
a
skinny
man
were
arguing
about
who
was
the
more
polite.
the
skinny
man
said
he
was
more
polite
because
he
always
tipped
his
hat
to
ladies.
but
the
fat
man
knew
he
was
more
courteous
because,
whenever
he
got
up
and
offered
his
seat,
two
ladies
could
sit
down.
誰更有禮貌？
一個胖子和一個瘦子在爭論誰更有禮貌。瘦子說他更有禮貌，因為他經常對女士摘帽示意。但是胖子認為他更有風度，因為無論什麼時候他在車上給別人讓座時，總有兩位女士能坐下
⑦ 經典英語小笑話
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand .The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way,sir,"said the deck hand,"it to say nothing about it .If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out,they'd pulled you out ,they'd chuck me in ."
最好的報酬
一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。被一名甲板水手救起，這位軍官問如何才能酬謝他。
「最好的辦法，長官，」這么水手說，「是別聲張這件事。如果其他人知道我救了你，他們會把我扔下去的。」
⑧ 經典英文小笑話
Boy: May I hold your hand?
Girl: No thanks,it isn't heavy.
Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes,and this one will be if you sit down.
Boy: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Girl: Yes.That's why I won't go there anymore.
Boy: I'd like to call you.Your number?
Girl: It's in the phone book.
Boy: Hi,didn't we go on dates before? Once or twice?
Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice.
Girl: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring?
Boy: Sure,what's your telephone number?
Girl: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
Boy: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
⑨ 簡單的英語笑話
人之初：At the begining of life.
性本善：Sex is good.
性相近：Basically,all the sex are same.
習相遠：But it depends on how the way you do it.
苟不教：If you do not practise all the time.
性乃遷：Sex will leave you..
教之道：The way of learning it
貴以專：is very important to make love with only one person.
昔孟母：Once a great mother, Mrs Meng
擇鄰處：chose her neighbour to avoid bad sex influence.
子不學：If you don't study hard,
斷機杼：Your Dick will become useless.
竇燕山 Dou, the Famous
有義方 owned a very effective exciting medicine
教五子 All his five son took it
名俱揚 and their sexual ability were well-kown.
養不教 If your children don't know how to do it,
父之過 It is all your fault.
教不嚴 If they had lots of problems with it,
師之惰 their teach must be too lazy to tell them details on sex.
子不學 You may refuse to study this
非所宜 but that is a real mistake
幼不學 If you don't learn it in childhood,
老何為 you will lose your ability when aged
玉不琢 If you don't exercise your dick,
不成器 It won't become hard and strong.
人不學 If you don't learn sex,
不知義 You can by no means enjoy its sweetness