英语相声

❶ 谁有简单的英语相声

一、Little Red Riding Hood
第一场：Little Red Riding Hood家
Mum： (妈妈拿着一个篮子，把桌子上的水果放在篮子里）
Little Red Riding Hood:(唱着歌，欢快地跑进来）Hi,mummy, what are you doing?
Mum： （一边把水果放在篮子里，心事重重地说）Grandma is ill. Here are some apples and bananas for Grandma. Take them to Grandma.
Little Red Riding Hood：（边提起篮子，边点头说）Ok!
Mum： （亲切地看着Little Red Riding Hood说） Be good. Be careful.
Little Red Riding Hood： Yes ,mummy．Goodbye, mummy.
Mum： Bye-bye. Darling.
第二场：在路上
(一阵轻快的音乐由远而近，Little Red Riding Hood挎着篮子蹦跳跳地跳到花草旁)
Little Red Riding Hood： Wow！Flowers, how beautiful! （放下篮子采花）One flower ,two flowers, three flowers.
Wolf：（wolf大步地走上台）I am wolf. I am hungry. (做找东西状,东张西望) Here is a little red riding hood. Hi! Little Red Riding Hood. Where are you going? (做狡猾的样子和Little Red Riding Hood打招呼)
Little Red Riding Hood：(手摸辫子，天真地回答)To Grandma’s．Grandma is ill.
Wolf：（自言自语）I' ll eat Grandma. But……（对Little Red Riding Hood说）Hey, look! 6 little baby cks.
Little Red Riding Hood：(和6只鸭子随着音乐翩翩起舞)
Wolf：（悄悄地藏到大树后）
Little Red Riding Hood：（停止跳舞）Hello! Baby cks，how are you?
Six Ducks：We’ re fine．Thank you． Where are you going?
Little Red Riding Hood：To Grandma’s．Oh, I must go, bye.
Six Ducks：Goodbye．
第三场：Grandma家
Grandma： （喘着气出场，颤颤悠悠地走到床前，吃力地坐到床边，喘了几口，打几个哈欠，慢吞吞地躺倒在床上。）
Wolf：（从树后出来，边走边说）I am very hungry now. (做找寻的样子)Where is Grandma’ s house? (高兴地对观众说)Aha , it’s here.(敲门)Bang, Bang, Bang．
Grandma： Who is it？
Wolf：（装出Little Red Riding Hood的声音，一边得意地摇动尾巴，一边说）It’s me. Little Red Riding Hood.
Grandma： (边说边起床) Come in, come in.
Wolf：(得意洋洋地走到床边) Grandma , I’ll eat you.
Grandma： （惊慌失措地抓紧衣服，瞪着眼睛，边叫迫从床上滚到地上）
灰狼把外婆吞到了肚子里。
Wolf：（得意地拍拍肚子，翘起大拇指）Yummy！I’ll sleep.
Little Red Riding Hood：(高兴地敲门)Grandma．Grandma．
Wolf：(装扮成Grandma的声音) Who is it？
Little Red Riding Hood：It’s me。Little Red Riding Hood. What a strange noise!
Wolf：Come in， Come in.
Little Red Riding Hood：(蹦跳着进来，把篮子放在桌子上，走到床前一看，跳回几步)Oh! What are big ears!
Wolf：I can listen to your sweet voice.
Little Red Riding Hood：Wow! What a big eyes!
Wolf：I can see you pretty face.
Little Red Riding Hood：Oh! What a big hand.
Wolf：I can hug you.
Little Red Riding Hood：（跪在床前，拉起Wolf的手，边摸边说）Look! What a big hands?
Wolf：(从床上跳起来说)I can eat you!
Little Red Riding Hood：(拼命地跑)Oh！No! No!
Wolf：（追到Little Red Riding Hood，做吃状，拍拍肚子说）It’s delicious. I still sleep. I like sleeping.
Hunter： (一边拿着枪，一边做寻找状出场)Where’s the wolf? Look! A door．(推门)The wolf is sleeping.
Wolf：(发出呼呼的响声)
Hunter： (端起枪想打，又放下)What a big stomach! (摸摸Wolf的肚子)Grandma and Little Red Riding Hood are inside .I must be hurry．(从桌子上拿起剪刀，举起) Look! Scissors. (做剪Wolf的肚子)Cut, cut, cut.
Little Red Riding Hood/Grandma：Thank you．
Hunter： Grandma ,give me some needles and thread． Little Riding Hood ,Give me some stones．
Grandma： (从桌子上拿来针线)
Little Red Riding Hood：(搬来几个石头)One, two, three.
Hunter： (把小石头装进Wolf的衣服里)
Grandma： I'll thread it.
Hunter： (拿起枪)Woke up!
Wolf：(起床，两手托着大肚子)My stomach is so heavy.
Hunter： You big bad wolf, raise your arms!
Wolf：(边跑边说) Help! Don’t shot me!
Hunter： （开枪）Bang, bang!
Wolf： (应声倒下)
Hunter： The bad wolf is dead．
Little Red Riding Hood和Grandma：Yeah! Thank you．

二、T---Tiger F---Fox R---Rabbit B---Bird Fr---Frog B----Bear ( 狐假虎威) Tiger: I’m a great tiger. I’m very strong. I’m very brave. I’m the king of the forest.But now I’m very hungry. I must find sth. to eat at once, or I’ll die immediately. Oh, there’s nothing here. And here is nothing, either. Oh, I want to have a rest. (Sleep soundly) Fox: I’m a fox. You can see, I’m pretty and lovely. I’m good at cheating 0and telling lies. Just now I cheated a crew out of a piece of meat. Mm, Mm, Mm. How delicious it is! Tiger: Ah, a fox. A good meal. Ah, a good meal. Fox: Oh, my God! What should I do? Yes, I have a good idea. Yes, a good idea. Hello! Tiger sister! How are you? Tiger: Not so good. I’m very hungry now. I want to eat you. Fox: Oh, my dear! How dare you say that! I’m the king of the forest! I’m the king of the forest! If you want to eat me, I will let you die right now. Tiger: She is the king. She is cheating me. I can’t belive her. I’m the king of the forest here. Fox: If you don’t believe me, just follow me and see who is the king of the forest. Tiger: Ok. Let’s go. Rabbit: I’m a rabbit. I like to eat a turnip. Ah, a big turnip. Oh! It’s too hard. I can’t pull it out. Bird: I’m a bird. Rabbit: Hi! Bird: Hi! What are doing here, Miss Rabbit? Can I help you? Rabbit: Yes, please. Frog: I’m a frog. Hello! What are you doing here? What can I do for you? R&B: Yes, come on! Frog : Ok! I’m coming! Bear: I’m a big brown bear. Hello, everyone! What are you doing here? R,B&F: Come on! Come on! Mr. Bear! You are so strong. Please come here. There is a big turnip. We are all puling it out. Please come and help us. Bear: Ok! I’m coming. Fox: Hello, Bear! Bear: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Frog! Frog: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Bird! Bird: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Hello, Rabbit! Rabbit: Hi, Fox. Oh, a tiger! (run away) Fox: Tiger, Now, you see. They are so frightened! They all run away! Tiger: Yes, you are right. It’s true. I’m very sorry. You are the king of the forest. That’s all right. I will run away. He is the king. He is the king. Fox: Wa! There is a big turnip. Now, the turnip belongs to me.

❷ 用英语怎么写相声剧本

首先要对英语非来常的源熟悉，知道英语词语的组词手法和一些俗语俚语的用法，相声就是语言的艺术，只有对语言了然于胸，才能让语言的魅力发挥出来。

其次，要了解外国人的幽默方式，外国人的幽默和我们通常的笑话不一样，讲究的是意境语境

然后，再听一些脱口秀的段子，借鉴一些英语包袱效果。

❸ 急求一篇：英语双人相声，搞笑的，还要带翻译的。

A: well, this is not small X?
甲：唷，这不是小X吗？
B: well, is a small X ah, what are you doing recently?
乙：唷，是小X啊，最近忙什么哪？
A: hi, do not have what matter, play chess, old didn't see you he, is he ok?
甲：嗨，没啥事，下下象棋，老没见你们老爷子了，他还好吗？
B: Joe your blessing, also is hale and hearty.
乙：托您福，还硬朗着呢。
A: your father also like playing chess.
甲：你爸爸也喜欢下象棋。
B: yes, it is
乙：是啊
A: don't, before I'm old and your father play chess.
甲：可不，以前我老和你爸爸下棋。
B: that's right
乙：没错
A: once we both play chess, I still remain a then, your father still remain a like...
甲：有一回我们俩下棋，我还剩一士，你爸爸还剩一象。。。
B: that's not a draw?
乙：那不和棋了吗？
A: yes, as I am also a draw, but your father not stem, must then down not?
甲：是啊，依着我也是和棋，可你爸爸不干，非得接着下不可？
B: ah??????? How do the next?
乙：啊？？那怎么下呀？
A: ha ha, your father has idea.
甲：呵呵，你爸爸有主意。
B: any idea?
乙：什么主意？
A: your dad said "don't let's and the like are!"
甲：你爸爸说了“要不咱们士象都过河吧。”
甲：B: never heard of it! 乙：没听说过！
A: then what your father like just across the river, I taxi also across the river, you dad took his like like me, I will take my taxi and your father... Your dad to like me, and I'll then your father, your father like me, I and your father, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa, your father like I WoShiNiBaBa...
甲：然后呢你爸爸的象就过河了，我的士也过河了，你爸爸就拿他的象象我，我
就拿我的士士你爸爸。。。你爸爸再象我，我再士你爸爸，你爸爸象我，我士你爸爸
，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我
我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸，你爸爸象我我是你爸爸。。。。。。。。。
B: go to your!!!!!
乙：去你的吧！！

❹ 相声的英文是什么

相声的英文是Crosstalk。

crosstalk

英[ˈkrɒstɔːk]美[ˈkrɔːstɔːk]

n. 相声；串话干扰，串台

短语

Stereo Crosstalk立体声分离度 ; 声道分离度 ; 立体声分散度

crosstalk coupling[通信]串话耦合 ; 串扰耦合 ; 串扰耦合英语

near-end crosstalk[通信]近端串音 ; 近端串扰 ; 近端交越干扰 ; 也称为近端干扰

(4)英语相声扩展阅读：

近义词

comic dialogue

相声

短语

Comic dialogue masters相声名家

comic dialogue player相声演员

cross talk comic dialogue曲艺名词

❺ 求英语中的相声词

1)有关动物的象声词
apes: (猿）gibber叽哩咕噜
asses: (驴)bray, heehaw
babies: cry
bear: growl
bees: buzz, hum, murmur, drone
beetles(甲虫): drone
birds: chatter, chirp, chirrup, flap, peck, sing, squawk, twitter,
bulls: bellow, bow
camels: grunt
cats: miaow, mew, purr
cattle: low
chicken: cheep, peep, pip
chicks: cheep
child: chatter
cock: crow, cock-a-doodle-do
cows: boo, low, moo, moo,
crickets(蟋蟀): chirp
crows: caw, croak
deer: beat
dogs: bark, bay, bow-wow, grow, how, whine, yap, yelp
donkeys: bray, hee-haw
doves: coo, crood, croud, croodle
cks: quack, screech
eagle: scream
elephants: trumpet
flies: buzz, hum, drone
foxes: yelp, bark
frogs: croak
geese: cackle, gabble, gaggle, hiss
goats: bleat, baa
hawks: scream,
hens: cackle, chuckle
horse: whiney, nicker, neigh, snort,
hounds: bay
insects: chirp
kittens(小猫): mew
larks(百灵): sing, warble
lions: roar
magpies（喜鹊）: chatter
man: giggle, hem(哼)，ouch, hush, mumble, chatter, bravo, murmur, whisper
mice: peep, squeak
monkeys: chatter, japer, screech, chatter
mosquitoes: buzz, hum, drom
night eagles: ner
owls: hoot, scream, screech, whop
owls: hoot, screech, scream
ox: bo, how, moo
parrots: talk, quack
pigeons: coo, crood, croodle
pigs crowd
puppies: yelp
rabbits: suqeak
seagulls(海鸥): scream
sheep: bleat, baa
snakes: hiss
sparrows: chatter, chirp, twitter
swallows: twitter
swans: cry
tigers: roar, groul, gaoll
turkeys: gobble
vultures(秃鹫): scream
whales: blow
wide goose(大雁): honk
wolves: howl growl
2)有关物体的象声词
abacus(算盘) balls: pit-a-pat, pita pat
arrows: whistle, whiz
artillery(大炮): booms
balls: bounce
bank notes: rustle
bayonets: clink and clash
beats: pit-a-pat, pita pat, thump, thud, patter
bellows(风箱): flip-flap
bells: clink, clang, jingle, jingle-jangles-jingle, ding dong.
bikes: jangle
boots(皮靴): crunch
bottles: crack, crick-crack, rattle
bow string: snap
bowels: rumble
brakes: screech
branches: snap
breeze: puffs
bullets: whistle, whiz, zip
buses: rattle, hoot, and thump
cameras: snick
candles: splutter
cars: crash, toot(horn)
carts: rumble, creak
cattle: low
chains: clank
clocks: ding dang, tick, ticktack, tic tak
clothes: rustle
coins: jingle
cooking pots: sizzle
cords: pop
curtains: flap
dishes: ding dang, jingle, clatter
doors: creak, rat-tat-tat, rat tattoo, rattle,
drums: rub-a-b, rataplan
dry leaves: rustle
eating: slurp
engines: chug, chum, whistle
feet: chatter, tramp
fingers snap
fire crackers: bang, pup
fire snap
flags: flap flutter
floor: creak
glass: crash, clinks,
gongs: ding-dang
guns pup, boom, click
hands: clap, flick
high heal shoes: click
horns: toot
horse's hooves: dip-clop
jade: tickle
keys: clink
knife and fork: clack
leather shoes: click-clack
leaves: whisper, rustle,
locks: snap, click,
locomotive(火车头): puff
machines: buzz,
machines guns: rattle, chatter, tat-rat, tat-tat-tat
metal: ting, clash, clink, tinkle, jing dong, ticktack
mind: buzz
oil: sizzle
paper: rustle
planes: zoom, crash,
radios: squeak
rain: patters, pit-pat-pit-pat
rifle: crack, pop
ropes: crack, snap, pop
scissors: clip-clop
silk: rustle
snow: spatters
steam: hoop, hoos, hoot
stick: swish
stomach: rumble
stones: smack, flop
tears: plop
teeth: chatter
telephone: ring, jangle
thunder: clap, peal, rumble,
tongue: click
trains: rattle, clatter, whistle, murmur
trumps(号): toot
trucks: rumble, grunt
type writers: tap, clatter
watches: tick, ticktack
water: babbles, bubbles, drip-draps, splashes, sizzles, spish-splash, hiss,
wheels: rumble, crunch, whir
whips: flick, smack, snap, swish
whistles: whack
wind: haot, toot, howl, rattle, sough
windows: rattle

❻ 英语相声

5人英语短剧】阿拉丁传说 The Tale of Aladdin

【7人英语短剧】Cinderella 灰姑娘 7人 短剧

【The Gifts （礼回物）】中英文短剧剧本答

【4人英语短剧】阿拉丁传说 The Tale of Aladdin

灰姑娘的剧本
http://www.jjcdixon.btinternet.co.uk/cinderella.htm

【7人英文话剧】花木兰 Mulan

❼ 英文相声

相声是中国特有抄的，西方国家袭没有。况且要想翻译也不容易，相声中有许多段子是押韵的。但译成英文就不押韵了。就像唐代的古诗，你能把它完美的翻译出来吗？所以我想，应该没有英文相声。如果你要表演的话，可以演些话剧。像“狐假虎威”，“龟兔赛跑”

❽ 求英语双口相声

Campus comic -- "campus"
甲：亲爱的同学们，我想死你们了。
A: my dear classmates, I miss you.
乙：先向大家作一下介绍。
B: first we introce.
甲：我叫王迈达。
A: my name is Wang Maida.
乙：我叫黄映翔。
B: my name is Huang Yingxiang.
甲：yb，你是新生吧，以后有什么需要我帮忙的尽管说，学长我一定会尽力而为的。
A: Yb, you are a freshman, after what I need help though say, I will do everything in one's power of students.
乙：哦，一定一定。老大，你成绩好吗？
B: Oh, sure. Boss, you get good grades?
甲：马马乎乎。
A: Mama huhu.
乙：那你成绩为什么这么好呢？
B: that you why so good?
甲：因为我是从“竹板炒肉丝”的惨痛经历中磨练出来的，我已经深刻体会到：落后就要挨打。
A: because I am a honed from "the bitter experience heavy bamboo slats fried shredded pork", I have a profound experience: behind will be beaten.
乙：哎，英雄所历略同呀。
B: Hey, hero history summary.
甲：能具体点吗？
A: can the specific point?
乙：80分以下女子单打，70分以下男子单打，60分以下男女混合双打。
B: 80 points following the women's singles, men's singles 70 points, 60 points below the mixed doubles.
甲：这怎么说？
A: how do you say this?
乙：80分以下老妈揍我，70分以下老爸揍我，60分以下老爸老妈一起揍我。
B: 80 points below mom beat me, dad hit me below 70 points, 60 points below the beat with my mom and dad.
甲：你就是在这种环境下成长起来的吗？
A: you are in this environment to grow up?
乙：谁在乎我的心里有多苦，谁在意我的明天去何出。
B: who cares about me, how hard the heart, who will care about my tomorrow to go to where the.
甲：哎呀我可怜的学弟呀，不过没事的，你的肌体早晚会磨练成金刚不坏之身的,到时候你就会永垂不朽了。
A: Oh, my poor brother ah, but all right, your body will temper as unscathed, but you will go down to posterity.
乙：哎学长，早就听说你的学习是鸡立鹤群，独占鳖头呀，就给我介绍介绍你的学习方法吧。
B: Hey sir, had heard that your learning is chicken standing cranes, exclusive turtle head ah, you introce me to your way of learning.
甲：昨夜寒蛩不住鸣，惊回夺魁梦，已三更，起来凉水冲冲脸，再拼命，几挑窗前灯，一心为功名。窗前白叶落，阻征程，欲把心事付瑶琴，不可能，根本没空。
A: Han Ming could not last night cricket, scared to dream up past midnight, title, cold water in the face, then desperately, few pick window headlights, one for the fame. The window of white leaves, resistance to your journey, Fu Yaoqin, could not, did not empty.
乙：可我就是学不好，再熬夜也学不好。
B: I can not learn, then stay up all night is not good.
甲：你白天学，晚上学，吃饭学，上厕所也学，干什么都要想着学习学习再学习。
A: you day school, night school, dinner, the toilet, stem what want to learn and learn again.
乙：那哪成啊，晚上学一夜，白天就只好睡觉。吃着饭看书，我两次把饭塞进鼻孔里，三次把饭塞进耳朵里，四次把饭塞进别人的嘴里。上厕所看书，我怕呀。
B: so what ah, night, night, to sleep ring the day. Eat to read a book, I two put the meal into nostrils, three times the rice into his ear, four times the rice into the other's mouth. Go read a book, I am afraid.
甲：怕什么？
A: what are you afraid of?
乙：我怕掉进去，我不会在那里游泳啊。
B: I'm afraid fall into, I will not swim there.
甲：那你在学校都干些什么？
A: you in the school all to do what?
乙：我在学校，蹦蹦跳跳，哭哭笑笑，打打闹闹，撞墙上吊，白天睡觉夜里放炮，没事了钻到床底下跟老鼠乱咬。
B: I was in school, bounce, laugh or cry, Dadanaonao, wall hanging, sleeping ring the day, night shooting, nothing to get under the bed with the mouse bite.
甲：学习不刻苦，不如回家卖红薯，学习不努力，不如回家去种地。算了，别在这受苦受累了，回家去吧。
A: don't study hard, it is better to sell sweet home, don't study hard, as home to farm. Well, don't suffer, go home.
乙：哎……你这是什么话，你有什么了不起，不就是学习好点嘛，我要搞的你们家鸡犬不宁。
B: hey...... What are you talking about, you have what fantastic, is not to learn a good point, you jiquanbuning home I get.
甲：你想怎么样？
A: what do you want?
乙：我往你们家打电话。喂，请问是王迈达的母亲吗，告诉你一个不幸的消息，可爱的王迈达同学于昨天上午被车撞了一下，又被石头砸了一下，被驴踢了一下，还被狗咬了一口，现在正在医院抢救。
B: I call you home. Hello, is that Wang Maida's mother, tell you a sad news, lovely classmates yesterday morning Wang Maida was hit by a bus, it is stone hit, kicking ass, was bitten by the dog, is now in the hospital rescue.
甲：地点？
A: location?
乙：黑龙江乌鲁木齐。
B: Heilongjiang Urumqi.
甲：说这么远干什么？
A: so far stem what?
乙：让她坐着车慢慢找去吧，把车费全搭进去。
B: let her sit car slowly look, the fare all take in.
甲：好吧，算你狠，大家都听着，谁家有这样的电话都找他，都是他干的。
A: OK, you win, you listen, who have this phone for him, all he did.
乙：说实在的，我学习确实有困难。
B: to tell the truth, I really have difficulty learning.
甲：有什么困难？
A: what are the difficulties?
乙：我一看书就发困，就渴就饿，就想上厕所。
B: I read a book on the sleepy, thirst hungry, they want to go to the toilet.
甲：这好办呀。
A: that's easy.
乙：咋办？
B: what?
甲：渴了饿了喝红牛，困了累了还喝红牛，尿频尿急也喝红牛。红牛红牛，不红也牛。
A: thirsty and hungry drink Red Bull, sleepy and tired also drink Red Bull, frequent urination and drinking Red Bull. Red Bull Red Bull, not red cattle.
乙：可是我们家只有黄牛没有红牛。
B: but our cattle not only Red Bull.
甲：算了，我还是给你讲几个故事激发一下你的学习兴趣吧。
A: Well, I give you some of the stories to stimulate your interest in learning.
乙：故事我爱听。
B: I like the story.
甲：你听过车胤囊萤，孙康映雪，匡衡凿壁偷光吗？
A: have you ever heard of Chen Yin capsule firefly, assious diligently, stealing light?
乙：没听说过，怎么回事？
B: never heard of, how to return a responsibility?
甲：车胤呢，小时侯非常爱读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没钱买灯，于是他捉了许多萤火虫，装进一个袋子里，晚上照着读书。
A: Car Yin, childhood love reading books very much, but his family were very poor, no money Maideng, so he caught many fireflies, in a sack, after reading the evening.
乙：那我们也去捉萤火虫吧。
B: then we have to catch fireflies.
甲：你有电灯电棒要萤火虫干什么？
A: do you have a flashlight to light fireflies stem what?
乙：这样才能体现我学习刻苦呀。
B: we can reflect I study hard.
甲：拉倒吧你，萤火虫会发光你会发光吗？萤火虫会飞你会飞吗？
A: forget you, fireflies glow you will shine? Fireflies fly can you fly?
乙：那孙康映雪呢？
B: that diligently?
甲：孙康晚上想读书，可是他家很穷很穷，没有灯，于是他在雪地里，借着雪的光亮读书。
A: want to read Sun Kang night, but his family were very poor, there is no light, and he in the snow, with snow light reading.
乙：我看这天也不下雪的，可是外边多冷啊。在外边读书，不被当成梦游症也被当成神经病啊。还是听听那个谁凿壁偷东西吧，我也学学。
B: I think it does not snow, but cold outside. Outside reading, not be treated as sleepwalking is a mental derangement. Or listen to the guy who broke the wall to steal it, I also learn.
甲：那是匡衡凿壁偷光，匡衡呢家里也是很穷很穷，晚上没灯读书，于是把自家的墙壁凿了个洞，借着邻居的灯光读书。
A: it is assious steals light, the Kuang Heng. The house is poor and very poor, the night did not light reading, then cut a hole in the wall of their neighbors, with light reading.
乙：可是我家隔壁是猪圈呀，再说把墙凿得净是窟窿，隔壁的小猪偷看我洗澡怎么办呀？
B: but my family next door is a pigsty, besides the net is the hole through the wall, next door to the pig peek how do I take a shower?
甲：我跟你介绍他们是想让你学习他们刻苦的学习精神，天才就是这样诞生的。
A: I'll introce you to them is to let you learn their hardworking, such a genius is born.
乙：天才，天天发财。
B: Genius, everyday get rich.
甲：你怎么净想着钱呢，这样吧既然中国的你学不了，就学学外国的吧。牛顿。
A: how do you always think of money, such as Chinese you can not learn, learn foreign. Newton.
乙：长的象头牛反应却很迟钝。
B: like a cow was long but very ll.
甲：奥斯特洛夫斯基。
A: Ostrovsky.
乙：你回家去娶老母鸡？
B: you go home to marry the old hen?
甲：近代化学之父---道尔顿。
A: the father of modern chemistry. --- Dalton.
乙：长这么大没听说过化学还有个爸爸，他妈是谁呀？
B: so long haven't heard about chemistry and a father, his mother is who?
甲：好好好，咱不谈学习了，谈谈你的生活吧。
A: Well, I don't talk about learning, talk about your life.

❾ 英语相声带翻译

今天呢，给各位说一段英语相声。
这位大家都认识，XXX我的搭档
小号吹得好！ 就是最近啊，身体不好
尤其这次病的挺严重的，都破相了。
痔疮。 呵呵，开个玩笑
就上个星期吧，XXX给我打点话：走啊，一起游泳去
我说：不去！ 我嫌脏，游泳池里面有很多人都在里面撒尿
他说：别怕，我们也可以尿！
最后还是他一个人去了。
当天下午3点，打电话给我：哥，带2000块赎我来吧，尿尿让人逮着了。
去把他领回来。问他怎么回事，他说：他们都在池子里尿的，我是站在岸边尿的。
过两天，他自己又去了。下午又给我打电话：兄弟。来赎我来吧，又让人逮着了
去把他领回来，问他：又站岸边尿了？ 他说：没有啊。这次在池子里尿的，不过这几天有点上火，尿是黄的。
Today, I would like to present a cross-talk.
This is XXX, my partner, everybody knows him.
He blows his trumpet very well! But he has been indisposed recently
This time he’s really very sick, he’s disfigured.
Hemorrhoids. Ha ha, it’s just a joke.
Just last week, XXX gave me a call: “Come, let’s go swimming ”
I answered: “No, it’s dirty; lots of people urinate in the pool”
He said: “Don’t worry, we also can urinate!”
Finally he went alone.
Later in the afternoon at three o’clock, he called me: “Brother, please bring 2000 Yuan to l me out, I was caught urinating.”
I asked him what’d happened after taking him back, he said: “They urinated in the pool, but I did it standing at the poolside.”
Two days later, again he went there alone. In the afternoon, he called me again: “Brother, I was caught again, come and l me.”
After bringing him back, I asked: “Urinated at the poolside again?”
He answered: “No, this time I did it in the pool, but these few days I have excessive internal heat, my urine was yellow. ”
这里有很多，自己找找就可以了．http://www.playauthor.com/Article/ShowClass.asp?ClassID=2

❿ 相声《学英语》

马：听说您的学问不小啊？
赵：嗨，也没什么学问。
马：客气、客气，在相声演员当中，赵佩如，算是学问最大的了。
赵：不能那么说，也有好多方面不如人家。
马：您这是谦虚，当然您也有不足的地方。
赵：对、对、对，我有什么不足您可以给我指出来。
马：也不算什么大毛病，看您愿不愿意改了。
赵：您可以说嘛。
马：您呐——不会说外国话。
赵：这还真是个问题。
马：哪儿有相声演员不会说外国话的？
赵：可您说我想学吧，跟谁学呢？
马：找我呀。
赵：噢，您...会外国话？
马：嘿，你今儿算遇见高人了。
赵：您都会哪国话？
马：我都不知道我会多少种，太多了——英国话、法国话、德国话、俄国话、日本话、意国话......我都说不上来我会多少种。
赵：那您可以教教我呀。
马：在哪儿？在这儿教？不行，你把这玩意儿看的太易了，哦随便一教就能学会？我跟你说就算你基础好，最少也得半年。
赵：那当然了，您说我要是在这儿想一下子学会多少那是不可能的，我是说我在这儿跟您学两句，您看看我发音怎么样，要是发音对，能行，您再教我难的，我定时就找您去，要是您看我这发音压根儿就不行，咱甭耽误那工夫，您看怎么样？
马：哎——这对，这外国话主要就是看发音，你要是字对了音不对全白费。外国人跟咱们说话发音不一样——外国人说话用喉音，咱们中国人说话用丹田音。我先教给你发音。
赵：那太好了。
马：你打算学哪国话？
赵：我先学英国话。
马：英国话啊，我教给你英格兰的正音。你是打算学对话呀、还是学单句？
赵：我不懂什么叫对话、什么叫单句？
马：对话么就是平时说话、日常用语，单句么就是单个的词儿，桌子怎么说？请坐怎么说？
赵：那我学单句。
马：行！哪国话？英国话？好嘞！你问吧...等会儿，我再跟你说说——按规矩问，想学不想学？
赵：想啊。
马：想学就按规矩问，别胡问。
赵：那我不懂什么叫规矩呀？我也没学过外国话，比如说我问这句，您说了不行啊，这句不在规矩啊。那怎么办啊？
马：按规矩问呐——外国人有这种东西、有这么句话，你可以问，人外国人根本没这么句话，你问我，你成心找别扭，你拐弯抹角想把我问住，那你为难我——吃的开，怎么说？不觉闷，怎么说？人外国人没这么句话；还有这...爆肚儿，怎么说？兜兜，怎么说？屁股帘儿...人外国人根本没这个东西。
赵：我要这么问我是胡来了，人外国根本没有的我问，让您现翻译也麻烦，只要外国有的我就可以问对吧？
马：对！你比如说桌子、请坐，这我就可以告诉你呀...
赵：你干吗偏就让我问这桌子、请坐呀？我问你帽子怎么说？
马：别胡问、别胡问，按规矩问。
赵：帽子这怎么不规矩了？
马：不行不行，胡来这不行...
赵：他不会了他告我胡来——人外国人不戴帽子吗？外国人出门都光着脑袋？
马：我说我不会了么？帽子这没法说，帽子多了——礼帽？毡帽？草帽？
赵：我不管什么毡帽、礼帽，就说帽子，英国话怎么说？
马：帽子啊——听好了，教你英格兰的正音，帽......哎，我拜托各位啊，我可不知道在坐的哪位懂英语啊，我说出这句话来，不管是对、还是不对，拜托各位，千万——别管。
赵：你叫人家别管这象话吗？
马：就算我拜托各位啊。帽子啊——帽...帽...帽帽。
赵：帽帽？
马：你就听这音，就听这发音。记住了吗？
赵：记住了。
马：先别出去说去，你刚学呀千万别出去跟人家说去，你就会这么一句，你出去跟人一说，人家回头问你一句别的你不会了，记住了啊！
赵：行、行、行！那么穿的那个袜子是？
马：袜袜。
赵：袜袜。那吃的那包子呢？
马：包包。
赵：哦——那吃饺子叫饺饺吧！
马：哎？行啊，外国话你有点儿啊！
赵：我有什么呀我有，我就有这个呀，这是外国话吗？这是小孩刚会说话——我要戴帽帽、我要穿袜袜、我要吃包包...
马：可千万别出去说去！
赵：我跟谁说去？！——我六十多了我出去跟人说：“我要吃饺饺！”
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